THE ATLANTIC OCEAN - It has been revealed that two nuclear submarines, the British HMS Vanguard and the French Le Triomphant collided earlier this month in what was either an embarrassing accident, or the most poorly thought-out show of international unity in all of recorded history.

Until The Sun broke the story yesterday, the British had refused to discuss the incident, and the French had claimed that Le Triomphant had hit a container that had fallen off a ship. In other words, they lied.  The French Navy’s motto, “Honneur, Patrie, Valeur, Discipline” (Honour, Fatherland, Valour, Discipline) is emblazoned on the deck of every ship. Apparently the specific way they choose to interpret “honor” is  to “lie like a teenager caught bringing home the family car with a new dent”.

To be fair, the French can’t be held completely responsible. The accident probably could have been avoided if not for the fact that the British insist on continuing to drive on the wrong side of the ocean. It’s real simple, England: left is the opposite of right. You know what else is the opposite of right? Wrong. You’re in the wrong and you know it. Shape up or stop shipping out.

We ought not judge too harshly though. This was, after all, an accident, and even the safest of drivers can get into the occasional fenderbender on the highway. Of course to extend the analogy, in this case the “highway” is 1,770 miles wide and covers one fifth of the Earth’s surface. And has like 10 cars on it. Each of which is equipped with several million dollars worth of sonar equipment who’s sole purpose is to detect other submarines, er, cars. You know what? Let’s just lose the whole “cars on the highway” thing.

What’s really important is that there was no serious damage, and everyone aboard was fine. Of course the 250 or so sailors would have been the least of the concerns, had the collision been more serious. Each of the submarines were carrying enough nuclear material to vaporize all of Khazakstan and three other -stan’s. Give or take a -stan.

This is why it is so important to keep countries like Iran out of the “nuclear club”. It is vital that such weapons only be in the hands of responsible countries like the UK and France, who will keep a watchful eye on them. That, and occasionally place them under the contol of submarine captains with giant balls and a proclivity for high-stakes games of “chicken”.

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