NEVADA -

But until now it’s only affected us in minor ways, a foreclosed home here, a family unable to afford gasoline and groceries there, maybe the occasional collapse of an airline industry. Nothing to get your panties in a twist over. But now the stalled economy is hitting us Americans where we live: our brothels.

According to Newsweek.com the Nevada Brothel Owners’ Association is reporting a record drop in business with revenue down by a whopping 45 percent.

The world’s oldest profession has thrived throughout history, in good times and bad, because there is always demand for a good screw. So such flaccid sales figures can only be explained by potential customers getting screwed elsewhere, in this case at the pump.

“Some of these brothels are out in the middle of nowhere so fuel prices have an effect,” explains Dennis Hof, proprietor of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch and winner of the 1997 Western Regional Mr. Clean lookalike contest.

This cannot be allowed to continue. Prostitutes provide an invaluable service to the community by servicing the community. That they should lose their livelihoods is unthinkable. How can we stand by as they are reduced to not turning tricks, just to survive? We cannot take it lying down that they are no longer taking it lying down.

It is time for action. It is time for us to arouse our righteous indignation and thrust our collective will into the moist, ready orifice we call representative government. Please, write your elected representatives and urge them to support subsidies for the prostitution industry before the bottoms-up business goes belly up. Because otherwise one day many years from now you might just have to explain to your daughter, as you walked by a long abandoned, shuttered brothel, that no, she can’t grow up to be anything she wants to be.

And you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.

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That’s right, Sandra Day O’Connor has finally become a video game developer.

The 78 year old has announced that she is involved in the development of the project “Our Courts”, an online video game designed to teach young people about the judicial system.

At an age when most would be concerning themselves with budgeting their pensions to afford name-brand denture cream and adult diapers, O’Connor is more worried by ignorance about our system of justice among today’s youth. Naturally there could be only one solution to such an issue. That solution? A video game featuring a 3-D animated monkey.

“It will allow students to engage in real legal issues,” said O’Connor, as if anyone could doubt the seriousness of this project. After all, the monkey is right there on the home page.

One can only assume the limb the monkey is swinging from is the Judicial Branch.

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The company who stands to lose the most from such a deal is Google, who made it clear they would not stand idly by as two of their biggest rivals merged. Less than 48 hours after the announcement of Microsoft’s proposal, Google’s chief legal officer, David Drummond, had posted a condemnation on the company’s official blog, warning that the buyout threatened competition and raised antitrust concerns:

“Could Microsoft now attempt to exert the same sort of inappropriate and illegal influence over the Internet that it did with the PC? While the Internet rewards competitive innovation, Microsoft has frequently sought to establish proprietary monopolies – and then leverage its dominance into new, adjacent markets.”

Did you catch that? It went by quick, but Google has raised the specter of the m-word. According to Google, a Microsoft-Yahoo! deal would result in . . . a Monopoly! (And we’re not talking the classic Parker Brothers property trading game that usually ends in either you or your brother throwing something at the other and storming out of the room [which, incidentally, there are scientific strategies to win at].)

What were we talking about? Oh yes, Microsoft + Yahoo! = monopoly. Never mind the fact that Microsoft and Yahoo! COMBINED account for only 33 percent of all internet searches in the United States and just 10 percent in Europe. Google, on the other hand, has a massive 75 percent share of worldwide internet searches (and the revenue those searches generate), not to mention their prolific advertising programs, AdWords and AdSense, in addition to other acquisitions like San Bruno, Ca based YouTube . . . [Portions of this blog have been removed by Blogger® a subsidiary of Google Inc. Blogger® would like to remind you that Google is NOT a monopoly. Google is cool, hip and fun. Google appeals to the carefree younger generation. Google in no way owns you, or a controlling interest in your soul. You are a beautiful and unique snowflake. Google loves you. Google sees you when you’re sleeping. Google knows when you’re awake. Google has that picture of yourself that you sent, just as a joke, to a friend saved in a cache and would hate to have to show it to your mother. Google wants you to remember the three slogans of Google:

War is Peace

Freedom is Slavery

Ignorance is Strength

Google is watching you.]

EDIT: Some of the above jokes may have worked better when this was originally posted on Blogger

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