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Iraq Stands by Magic Bomb Detector

Paul Yokota — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 03:11:32 +0000

Iraqi security forces have adopted a revolutionary new bomb detection device, according to the New York Times.

The hand-held device is several orders of magnitude smaller than devices available from “reputable” manufacturers, but American critics have their collective panties in a bunch over the fact that the device “doesn’t actually work” and is “putting untold numbers of people in danger of being blown into tiny, McNugget-sized pieces”.

What a bunch of wet blankets.

Retired United States Air Force officer, Lt. Col. Hal Bidlack would have us believe that simply because the device works “on the same principle as a Ouija board” or a divining rod that it is useless and dangerous. Just because something works on the power of suggestion doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be used to safeguard innocent lives.

If you don’t agree, why not just ask the trillions of people who have shown improvement in medical trials while on placebos. It’s why sugar pills are recommended by four out of five people who you have no reason to believe aren’t doctors.

So what if the devices look like the remote to the R/C car you got for Christmas in 1987? So maybe the technology it employs “has no basis in reality”, and maybe using them is “scientifically retarded”. The Iraqis are buying these things up by the truckload, and do you know why? Because they have a little thing called faith.

Sure, recent decreases in security levels have left critical areas of Baghdad more vulnerable to bombings than ever, and maybe suicide bombers were able to get through a security checkpoint using the device on October 25 with enough explosives to blow up three government ministries and kill 155 people in downtown Baghdad, but is that any reason to stop using these overpriced toys in place of physical inspections?

The fact of the matter is that sometimes things just work because people believe they do.

Go to Disneyland and see if you find a tiny headstone with the name “Tinkerbell” on it. You won’t find one. You know why? Because she was saved from certain death by poison by the power of belief. If it wasn’t for the people who did believe in fairies clapping their little hands off, she wouldn’t be alive, setting off fireworks shows and making third-rate cartoon movies to this very day.

And let’s not discount the magic angle. Critics may compare the bomb detectors to Ouija boards as if that discredits them, but let’s face it, that ghost was trying to tell you and older brother Mike something when it kept spelling “penis” over and over again.

The Iraqi Defense Ministry is also reportedly bringing in a high profile security consultant, Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody, former Defence Against the Dark Arts instructor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and current economic policy adviser to UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

Obama Nominated for Porn Award

Paul Yokota — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:50:45 +0000

The nominees for the upcoming AVN Adult Video awards were released today, and in surprising move, the Adult Academy has nominated President Obama for Best Male Performer.

It should be noted that the president is receiving the nomination without performing a single on-screen thrust, causing considerable controversy within the industry. Dick Ironrod, who is also nominated for the award, expressed concerns that Obama had the requisite experience.

“You can’t just waltz in from of the street and do this,” said Ironrod, “I had to do gay porn for six years just to get my foot in the door.” Ironrod, a twelve year veteran of adult film and volunteer Sunday School teacher, indicated that he was not alone in his questions about whether the president had done enough to merit receiving such a prestigious award, and that the hardworking men and women of porn were outraged “that he could just come in here and not f**k his way to the top.”

Peter Kumquat, a spokesman for the AVN, said the nominating committee was inspired by President Obama’s recent surprising Nobel Peace Prize win.

“We had never even heard of these No-Bell guys, and look what it’s done for their PR,” said Kumquat, “It’s brilliant! You couldn’t pay for publicity like this. Well, you could, but it would probably cost a lot of money. Like, whole a lot, probably.”

Others don’t view the President’s recent string of awards in such a positive light. Conservative talk radio host Jack Fuller says that nominating Obama for an award which should rightly go to a pornstar “is an insult to the Real Americans who are down there, working in the trenches, day in and day out.”

Fuller went relate a theory which has been making the rounds on the internet, concerning White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emmanuel. Because he has a title that sounds sort of official, but no one is quite sure what he does, many speculate that Emmanuel has been spending his free time using the considerable clout of the White House to pressure various organizations to consider the president for awards he would otherwise not be eligible for.

The theory goes that Emmanuel wants badly for Obama to surpass fellow Democrat Al Gore, who added the Nobel Peace prize to the Grammy and Oscar on his mantle back in 2007.

Whether or not that theory has any truth to it, the fact is that since the October 9 Nobel announcement, President Obama has been nominated for or outright given an unprecedented 842 separate awards. Awards that he neither sought nor had any knowledge that he was in the running for include the Pulitzer Prize, the Heisman trophy, a Peabody, an ESPY, the title of Miss Teen South Carolina, and Employee of the Month at the Super Kmart in Owesnboro, Kentucky.

The President has also been named Best Mid-Sized Sedan by J.D. Power and Associates.

Brits, French Play Bumper Cars with Nuclear Subs

Paul Yokota — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 19:38:50 +0000

THE ATLANTIC OCEAN - It has been revealed that two nuclear submarines, the British HMS Vanguard and the French Le Triomphant collided earlier this month in what was either an embarrassing accident, or the most poorly thought-out show of international unity in all of recorded history.

Until The Sun broke the story yesterday, the British had refused to discuss the incident, and the French had claimed that Le Triomphant had hit a container that had fallen off a ship. In other words, they lied. The French Navy’s motto, “Honneur, Patrie, Valeur, Discipline” (Honour, Fatherland, Valour, Discipline) is emblazoned on the deck of every ship. Apparently the specific way they choose to interpret “honor” is to “lie like a teenager caught bringing home the family car with a new dent”.

To be fair, the French can’t be held completely responsible. The accident probably could have been avoided if not for the fact that the British insist on continuing to drive on the wrong side of the ocean. It’s real simple, England: left is the opposite of right. You know what else is the opposite of right? Wrong. You’re in the wrong and you know it. Shape up or stop shipping out.

We ought not judge too harshly though. This was, after all, an accident, and even the safest of drivers can get into the occasional fenderbender on the highway. Of course to extend the analogy, in this case the “highway” is 1,770 miles wide and covers one fifth of the Earth’s surface. And has like 10 cars on it. Each of which is equipped with several million dollars worth of sonar equipment who’s sole purpose is to detect other submarines, er, cars. You know what? Let’s just lose the whole “cars on the highway” thing.

What’s really important is that there was no serious damage, and everyone aboard was fine. Of course the 250 or so sailors would have been the least of the concerns, had the collision been more serious. Each of the submarines were carrying enough nuclear material to vaporize all of Khazakstan and three other -stan’s. Give or take a -stan.

This is why it is so important to keep countries like Iran out of the “nuclear club”. It is vital that such weapons only be in the hands of responsible countries like the UK and France, who will keep a watchful eye on them. That, and occasionally place them under the contol of submarine captains with giant balls and a proclivity for high-stakes games of “chicken”.

Heroic Pilot Manages Not to Kill Anyone

Paul Yokota — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 22:37:35 +0000

US Airways Flight 1549 crash landed into the Hudson River in New York City yesterday, a harrowing ordeal for all aboard, but a major victory for gravity as a fundamental force of the universe.

The plane went down only three minutes after takeoff, losing power in both engines following the pilot’s report of a “double bird strike”. In layman’s terms he flew the plane into a flock of fucking birds.

Despite what the cynics might say, America is still a place where you can kill a group of small animals, destroy a sixty million-dollar piece of equipment, and be declared a hero.

In fairness, all 155 people aboard did survive the crash which, in a way, makes the pilot pretty heroic. Almost as heroic as all the pilots who managed to not crash into rivers yesterday.

For his part, the pilot, Chesley B. Sullenberger III, was just glad to be known for something other than having the most ridiculous name in the western hemisphere. However, some had a much grander view of the day’s events.

“We’ve had a miracle on 34th Street,” said New York Governor David A. Paterson, “I believe now we’ve had a miracle on the Hudson.” Governor Paterson was clearly making use of the less common definition of the world “miracle” which is “to have a 70 ton aircraft slam into something at 80 mph”. This, of course is the kind of unorthodox interpretation one might expect from a governor who compares a potentially life-threatening event in his state to a 1947 movie about putting Santa Claus on trial.

Santa did not respond to a Secondhand News request for a comment on this story.

Gays Marry in California, Omnipotent Deity Pissed

Paul Yokota — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 03:14:25 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO, California – Time to dust off your earthquake insurance, California. Your forecast? Partly wrathful with a chance of smite-age.

California began issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples at 5:01pm today, when a controversial decision by the state’s supreme court to overturn a ban on gay marriage took effect.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom presided over the first ceremony, marrying long time lesbian rights activists Del Martin, 87, and Phyllis Lyon, 84.

Mayor Newsom had no comment on why he had decided to incur the wrath of God.

After all, the Bible clearly states that homosexuality is an “abomination”(Leviticus 18:22, right before the part where it says that it’s okay to own slaves)

Take Lyon and Martin’s committed, loving relationship of over 50 years. Disgusting. How could that sordid sapphism possibly compare to the deep meaning and dignity that is automatically created by the union of members of the opposite sex? Britney Spears’ 55 hour marriage to Jason Allen Alexander stands out as a shining example.

Besides, it’s been shown that there is absolutely no better way to attract the vengeance of the Almighty than bumping naughty bits with someone of the same gender. Recall what happened to the town that put the “Sodom” in “Sodomy”. It’s a proven fact: hot man-on-man or woman-on-woman action is nothing but fire and brimstone waiting to happen.

Just ask Pastor John Hagee, prominent Texas televangelist, and former supporter of Republican presidential nominee John McCain*.

“Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans. New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God,” said Pastor Hagee, because “there was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came.”

All this points to a massive disaster hitting the Golden State in the not so distant future. Which kinda sucks for me personally, as I live there. If the Lord’s track record tells us anything, we could be in for anything from your standard natural disaster to the rivers turning to blood or frogs falling from the sky. Perhaps we might even warrant a personalized vengeance, maybe even the oft-predicted and oh-so-geologically possible “California falling into the ocean” scenario.

Either way, it ain’t gonna be pretty.

If we as a country put aside little details like the founding principle of the separation of church and state, there’s really only one question to ask in times like these: what would Jesus do? Some might point to his teachings of love and tolerance, but those people are misguided fools who will burn in the fires of hell for eternity. No, the proper response to the question “what would Jesus do?” is simple: not get gay married.

If you are still not convinced, even after all of the above evidence against the sinful practice of gay marriage, then consider the following.

God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

PWND!!! Done. Argument over. It’s ironclad. There’s just no arguing with that one. I mean, for christsake, it RHYMES!!!

*Although Senator McCain initially stated that he was “proud” and “very honored” to have Pastor Hagee’s endorsement in February, after extended media coverage of Hagee’s anti-gay, anti-semitic and anti-Catholic hatespeech, McCain recently “rejected and repudiated” Hagee’s statements and rejected the pastor’s endorsement. Good for him.

Supreme Court Finds Detainees Have Rights . . . Again

paulyokota — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 05:40:21 +0000

The US Supreme Court ruled today that “detainees” being held by the US military in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba have the right to challenge the legality of their detention in civilian federal court.

The justices’ ruling seemingly missed the entire point of Guantanamo Bay. Gitmo was born out of the necessities of a post 9/11 world. After all, in the War on Terror™, it was inevitable that some prisoners would have to be taken. Not that they should be considered “Prisoners of War”, because that would just grant them all kinds of “rights” and “humane treatment” under those total buzzkill treaties called the Geneva Conventions. But we wouldn’t want to let them fall into the US legal system with all its bullshit “due process” either. The solution was elegant, nay, beautiful. Step 1: create a meaningless designation like “enemy combatant” after all, “enemy combatants” can’t possibly have rights if you just made the term up. Step 2: House them on land leased by the US government on Cuban soil, and which is therefore a legal gray area. It was the perfect loophole. And the damn Supreme Court had to go and fuck it all up.

This isn’t the first time the high court has stuck their collective gavel where it didn’t belong in regards to Guantanamo. Back in 2004, they ruled that detainees had the right to appeal their unlawful detention (otherwise known as the right of habeas corpus) just because of some obscure law called The United States Constitution (article one, Section 9).

Then again in 2006 the court just HAD to get involved and ruled against the trial-ish “tribunals” (starring an all US military cast) set up by the Bush administration, effectively saying “Uh, this shit ain’t legal”.

Naturally Bush did the honorable thing and took advantage of the Republican majority in both houses of congress to push through legislation countermanding the Supreme Court’s findings, most notably the Military Commissions Act of 2006 which effectively said “Uhh, yeah it is. No takesy backsy.”

The Military Commissions Act solved the habeas corpus issue by stating that detainees, could challenge the legal basis of their imprisonment, but only before a panel of US military personnel. It also reaffirmed trying detainees by military tribunal, because dammit, it was a good idea in the first place.

One only has to look to the recent trial of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and several other suspected terrorists to see the brilliance of the system. Brilliance that was apparently lost on the defendants who elected to represent themselves. Why would they do that when a perfectly good system had been set up with the US military acting as judge, prosecution and defense? I mean it was so aboveboard, the media was even allowed to watch! Ok, so the media was technically watching in another room, hearing everything on a 20 second delay which seemed to cut out whenever the defendants made any reference to being tortured or being put on psychotropic medication. And admittedly, a sizable part of the audio may have actually been an episode of “Dora the Explorer”. But to be fair, all the reporters could count to twenty in Spanish by the end of the day.

The point is, a system was set up to handle the detainees and their “rights”: letting the US military decide everything. But did that appease the Supreme Court? Noooooooooooooooooo. They just kept clinging to their precious Constitution.

Which brings us to today’s ruling. Justice Anthony Kennedy who wrote the majority opinion on the case said, “The laws and constitution are designed to survive, and remain in force, in extraordinary times. Liberty and security can be reconciled; and in our system they are reconciled within the framework of the law.”

Boo freaking hoo. Somebody call the “Waaah”mbulance.

President Bush knows that the constitution is like an instruction manual for our nation. But the president is also a Real Man, and he knows when a Real Man is building something, be it a new entertainment center from Ikea, or a strategy for dealing with suspected terrorists, a Real Man doesn’t look at the instructions. That’s for sissies. A Real Man just follows two simple laws:

Law One:
If it doesn’t fit, force it.

Law Two:
If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Of course with the Democrats in control of congress, the ruling might actually stick this time, upholding the constitutional principle of habeas corpus as well as about half of the Bill of Rights. Ugh. Today is indeed a dark day for democracy.

Clinton Concedes Losses to Obama, Reality

paulyokota — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 05:54:26 +0000

So obviously the big story over the weekend was Saturday’s conclusion of the 17 month saga that was the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination process.

What’s that you say? You thought the Democratic Nominee was decided last Tuesday, when the final two primaries gave Barack Obama enough delegates to surpass the threshold of 2,118 required for the nomination? When he stood before a crowd of 17,000 at the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, MN and declared:

“Tonight, I can stand before you and say that I will be the Democratic nominee for president of the United States.”?

You thought that was the end? That the Democratic Party could finally heal their wounds, come together and unite behind their candidate?

That’s real cute, but no.

You see, that same night, Senator Hillary Clinton was also speaking. Would she deliver a graceful concession speech?

“This has been a long campaign,” said Senator Clinton, “and I will be making no decisions tonight.” That’s right, she would be making no decisions about the fact that her opponent had won the nomination. She would also be making no decisions about the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the removal of the McRib sandwich from McDonald’s menu or any other of a host of things which are facts, in the past, and completely beyond her control.

In an unrelated story the New England Patriots issued a press release stating that they still do not concede losing Superbowl XLII to the New York Giants February 3rd, saying “it’s too soon to make any decisions.”

After all, is losing any reason to accept defeat?

Apparently it is, as on Saturday Senator Clinton finally DID concede, throwing her support behind Obama and pushing for party unity saying, “The Democratic Party is a family”.

It is like a family, and the primary race has been just like a great big sibling rivalry. Remember the sisterly way she used to needle Obama? Like the time she said:

“I have a lifetime of experience I will bring to the White House. I know Senator McCain has a lifetime of experience he will bring to the White House. And Senator Obama has a speech he made in 2002.”

Now that may sound to the untrained ear like an endorsement of the opposition over her Democratic “family”, but hey, that’s just the way brothers and sisters tease each other, right? It reminds me of the time I threw my brother in front of a moving school bus. Ah, family.

Ok, ok, so maybe Senator Clinton hasn’t always treated Senator Obama like family, between suggesting that he is unprepared to be commander in chief, implying that he might be a secret Muslim, and insinuating that she was staying in the race because he might be assassinated. Maybe the family analogy doesn’t really stand up to rational analysis, especially coming from her, but where is it written that she always has to be in touch with this ephemeral concept we call “reality”?

As former President Bill Clinton said of reporters who criticized his wife’s account of arriving in Bosnia under sniper fire in 1995 (which never actually happened and as far as anyone can tell she just completely made up), “When they’re 60, they’ll forget something when they’re tired at 11 o’clock at night, too.”

In other words, ignore all the ridiculous, false, and otherwise untethered things Senator Clinton has said. It’s ok, she’s just sleepy. And old.