DETROIT – General Motors Co. announced today that it has lost $1.2 billion since the U.S. Government bailed it out. The losses were less than expected, prompting the corporation to throw a celebratory “Screw it, we’re not paying for it, get the expensive cookies. Ooh, and a magician!” party.
Over the past year, GM [...]

In observance of of Veteran’s Day, Army Chief of Staff General George W. Casey presided over a ceremony at Fort Benning, Georgia today, honoring “our nations greatest heroes,” by which of course he meant the veterans of the infamous 1859 Pig War.

Iraqi security forces have adopted a revolutionary new bomb detection device, according to the New York Times.
The hand-held device is several orders of magnitude smaller than devices available from “reputable” manufacturers, but American critics have their collective panties in a bunch over the fact that the device “doesn’t actually work” and is “putting untold [...]

The nominees for the upcoming AVN Adult Video awards were released today, and in surprising move, the Adult Academy has nominated President Obama for Best Male Performer.
It should be noted that the president is receiving the nomination without performing a single on-screen thrust, causing considerable controversy within the industry. Dick Ironrod, who is also nominated [...]

U.S. Marshalls looking for crack dealer Vinol Wilson burst into a community center in Grandview, Mo Wednesday, assaulting and tasering Stuart Wright. Wright is not a drug dealer, but a local public servant and father, however like Vinol Wilson, Wright is black, which as one Marshall put it, makes him “close enough”.
“I’ve never been through [...]

Three pirates were killed by three shots from Navy SEAL snipers Sunday night, ending the United States’ first confrontation with armed pirates since the USS Constitution’s defeated Captain James Hook in 1815, leading to Hook’s banishment to Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara, California.
The shooting of the pirates ended a tense, days long standoff [...]

In his first official state visit as President of the United States, Barack Obama made good on campaign promises to engage the nation’s enemies in dialogue “without preconditions”, meeting directly with the leadership of the rouge nation of Canada.

President Obama traveled to Ottawa to meet with Stephen Harper’s regime, disregarding the prevailing opinion of Americans, 72% of whom are “pretty sure the capital of Canada is Toronto” …

It has been revealed that two nuclear submarines, the British HMS Vanguard and the French Le Triomphant collided earlier this month in what was either an embarrassing accident, or the most poorly thought-out show of international unity in all of recorded history.

Until The Sun broke the story yesterday, the British had refused to discuss the incident, and the French had claimed that Le Triomphant had hit a …

BALTIMORE – Public safety is a serious problem in Baltimore, with a violent crime rate nearly three times the national average. Maryland state Senator George Della Jr. responded to this crisis in the only sane,  logical way: by proposing a ban on beer pong.

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