Over the past year, GM has been bleeding money like some kind of hemophiliac giant that has money flowing through its veins instead of blood and is always going around bleeding a crap-ton of money.

A figure like 1.2 billion dollars might be too large for most people to fully grasp. To put it in perspective, that is enough money to buy eighty thousand of the company’s Chevy Aveos.

Not that anyone would make such a poor investment. Anyone buying even buying one Aveo would have to be out of his mind. It’s a piece of crap. A huge crap-piece. However, despite the Aveo being named one of the worst new cars by Consumer Reports, GM recently rolled out the 2010 Aveo, with the slogan “Just as bad, but this time it’s funded by taxpayer money!”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says that the decision to bail out General Motors was not reached easliy.

“We shopped around,” he says, “you really have to be firm with these car guys. If they won’t give you what you want, you can’t be afraid to walk away.” According to Secretary Geithner the government needed to ensure it was investing in a company “that had all the qualities we were looking for: poor quality vehicles, out of touch executives, and a strategy that would lose us billions of dollars.” General Motors fit the bill and got a king’s ransom in wasted bailout money. Other bail-out hopefuls weren’t quite as lucky. “Chrysler came to the table offering to only lose us like 750 mil. We said screw it, let the Italians deal with them.”

The important thing is that massive amounts of taxpayer money has been spent to ensure GM can continue to make crappy cars that no one wants to buy for decades to come.

The low standards of the Big Three auto makers is key to the U.S. economy. If American car manufacturers stopped making inferior cars and trucks, people would be forced to buy more reliable Japanese and German automobiles. Hundreds of thousands of mechanics across the country could be put out of work, adding to the already high unemployment rate.

Putting Americans behind the wheel of non-crappy cars wouldn’t only impact mechanics and their families, it would also hurt everyone who works in related industries, like parts manufacturers, shops that sew name tags onto coveralls and girlie calendar publishers.

Ralph Timov, a mechanic in the non-made up town of Sandwich, Massachusetts, says he worries what he would do if shitty American cars stopped rolling off the assembly line. “If they stop making Ford Tauruses and Chevy Malibus with transmissions that go out every 3,000 miles, I’m out of a job. I’d have to become a drug dealer, or a male prostitute or worse, a telemarketer.”

Experts estimate that if these mechanic shops were put out of business the resulting strain on the economy would drag the the country into financial vortex so powerful that all the monetary progress of the past few centuries would be lost, and Americans would be forced into farming hunting and gathering for sustenance. The sudden shift from an all-processed food diet to natural foods might be too much of a shock to the system for many, leaving thousands dead from malnutrition, heart failure, and spontaneous human combustion.

It would also probably become commonplace for suburban parents to trade their daughters for herds of sheep.

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For the uninitiated, the Pig War was a brief and very real war concerning a dispute over the border between the United States’ Oregon Territory (modern-day Washington State) and the Great Britain’s Columbia territory (today known as Australia).

Hostilities first broke out on the San Juan islands, territory claimed by both sides, after an Irishman watched as his pig wandered onto an American farmer’s land and. Legend has it the Irishman just laughed as the pig dug up the Yankee’s potatoes. His exact words have been lost to history, but scientists believe he probably giggled in a high-pitched voice and shouted something about children trying to steal his breakfast cereal. The American responded by shooting the pig in the head.

So as we’ve all done when a neighbor has murdered our livestock, the Irishman called in the army. Military forces built up on both sides, the Americans sent in infantry troops, the British responded by bringing in warships. The Americans brought in artillery, British sent in the Marines. Then the big guns started coming out. The Americans flew in John Wayne from his vacation home in Palm Beach. The British responded by deploying the SAS, James Bond, and Winston Churchill and his band of Merry Men. The Americans retaliated by bringing in Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.

Despite the massive troop buildup, both sides were under orders not to fire the first shot. As a result, they spent the next few months sitting around, trying to goad the other side into firing first. In the end, discipline won the day and the pig was the only casualty of the conflict. However a tense moment almost erupted into full on hostilities when an American officer yelled across the trenches, calling a particularly thin-skinned British corporal a “douche nozzle”.

After the close of the Pig War, the returning troops were hailed as heroes. For their service to God and Country they were declared “The Greatest Generation” by olde-tyme newspaperman Oliver Wendell Sideburns Copperbottom, the Most Trusted Man in America during February and March of 1860.

General Casey’s remarks reflected his deep respect for the sacrifice of the Pig War veterans. “America is the nation it is today because the noble actions of those brave men,” he said, “they upheld the highest traditions of American Values, including opposing Canadian tyranny and shooting motherf**king pigs dead.”

The ceremony opened with the Pledge of Allegiance, the singing of the National Anthem and the Official Army Song, “F**k You and the F**king Foreigner Pig You Rode In On”. This was followed by the ceremonial slaughter of a full-grown adult boar.

Army spokesmen said the pig carcass will not be eaten, and will be left to rot on a spike as a warning to “uppity Brits”.

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Iraqi security forces have adopted a revolutionary new bomb detection device, according to the New York Times.

The hand-held device is several orders of magnitude smaller than devices available from “reputable” manufacturers, but American critics have their collective panties in a bunch over the fact that the device “doesn’t actually work” and is “putting untold numbers of people in danger of being blown into tiny, McNugget-sized pieces”.

What a bunch of wet blankets.

Retired United States Air Force officer, Lt. Col. Hal Bidlack would have us believe that simply because the device works “on the same principle as a Ouija board” or a divining rod that it is useless and dangerous. Just because something works on the power of suggestion doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be used to safeguard innocent lives.

If you don’t agree, why not just ask the trillions of people who have shown improvement in medical trials while on placebos. It’s why sugar pills are recommended by four out of five people who you have no reason to believe aren’t doctors.

So what if the devices look like the remote to the R/C car you got for Christmas in 1987? So maybe the technology it employs “has no basis in reality”, and maybe using them is “scientifically retarded”. The Iraqis are buying these things up by the truckload, and do you know why? Because they have a little thing called faith.

Sure, recent decreases in security levels have left critical areas of Baghdad more vulnerable to bombings than ever, and maybe suicide bombers were able to get through a security checkpoint using the device on October 25 with enough explosives to blow up three government ministries and kill 155 people in downtown Baghdad, but is that any reason to stop using these overpriced toys in place of physical inspections?

The fact of the matter is that sometimes things just work because people believe they do.

Go to Disneyland and see if you find a tiny headstone with the name “Tinkerbell” on it. You won’t find one. You know why? Because she was saved from certain death by poison by the power of belief. If it wasn’t for the people who did believe in fairies clapping their little hands off, she wouldn’t be alive, setting off fireworks shows and making third-rate cartoon movies to this very day.

And let’s not discount the magic angle. Critics may compare the bomb detectors to Ouija boards as if that discredits them, but let’s face it, that ghost was trying to tell you and older brother Mike something when it kept spelling “penis” over and over again.

The Iraqi Defense Ministry is also reportedly bringing in a high profile security consultant, Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody, former Defence Against the Dark Arts instructor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and current economic policy adviser to UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

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The nominees for the upcoming AVN Adult Video awards were released today, and in surprising move, the Adult Academy has nominated President Obama for Best Male Performer.

It should be noted that the president is receiving the nomination without performing a single on-screen thrust, causing considerable controversy within the industry. Dick Ironrod, who is also nominated for the award, expressed concerns that Obama had the requisite experience.

“You can’t just waltz in from of the street and do this,” said Ironrod, “I had to do gay porn for six years just to get my foot in the door.” Ironrod, a twelve year veteran of adult film and volunteer Sunday School teacher, indicated that he was not alone in his questions about whether the president had done enough to merit receiving such a prestigious award, and that the hardworking men and women of porn were outraged “that he could just come in here and not f**k his way to the top.”

Peter Kumquat, a spokesman for the AVN, said the nominating committee was inspired by President Obama’s recent surprising Nobel Peace Prize win.

“We had never even heard of these No-Bell guys, and look what it’s done for their PR,” said Kumquat, “It’s brilliant! You couldn’t pay for publicity like this. Well, you could, but it would probably cost a lot of money. Like, whole a lot, probably.”

Others don’t view the President’s recent string of awards in such a positive light. Conservative talk radio host Jack Fuller says that nominating Obama for an award which should rightly go to a pornstar “is an insult to the Real Americans who are down there, working in the trenches, day in and day out.”

Fuller went relate a theory which has been making the rounds on the internet, concerning White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emmanuel. Because he has a title that sounds sort of official, but no one is quite sure what he does, many speculate that Emmanuel has been spending his free time using the considerable clout of the White House to pressure various organizations to consider the president for awards he would otherwise not be eligible for.

The theory goes that Emmanuel wants badly for Obama to surpass fellow Democrat Al Gore, who added the Nobel Peace prize to the Grammy and Oscar on his mantle back in 2007.

Whether or not that theory has any truth to it, the fact is that since the October 9 Nobel announcement, President Obama has been nominated for or outright given an unprecedented 842 separate awards. Awards that he neither sought nor had any knowledge that he was in the running for include the Pulitzer Prize, the Heisman trophy, a Peabody, an ESPY, the title of Miss Teen South Carolina, and Employee of the Month at the Super Kmart in Owesnboro, Kentucky.

The President has also been named Best Mid-Sized Sedan by J.D. Power and Associates.

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“I’ve never been through anything like this before. I was in shock,” said Wright, who either is unclear on the meaning of the word “shock” or lacks any trace of a sense of irony.

In fairness, a confidential informant had tipped off the Marshalls that Vinol Wilson would be at the location wearing a jersey with the number 23 on it.

So essentially the description that the U.S. Marshalls were working with was “a black man in a #23 Jersey”. 23 was, of course, basketball great Michael Jordan’s number, which is why 23 is the top selling basketball jersey number of all time by a large margin, meaning that at any given time “black man in a #23 Jersey” describes over 65,000 individuals in the United States alone, depending on weather conditions.

Coincidentally, 23 is also the minimum IQ score required by the U.S. Marshall’s entrance exam.

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The shooting of the pirates ended a tense, days long standoff and freed their hostage, Captain Richard Phillips of the Maersk Alabama. Pirates had boarded the Alabama a few days earlier, and had tried to commandeer the vessel before being embarrassingly defeated by the cargo ship’s crew, making the would-be dread pirates look like a scurvy bunch of lily-livered land lubbers.
The attack was something of a surprise, as modern pirates rarely resort to maritime violence, but the economic downturn has dried up many of the cushy jobs they usually get, posing for spiced rum advertisements or pretending to be animatronic robots at Disneyland.

With only Captain Phillips as their captive, the pirates were temporarily at a loss when they found the Alabama lacked a proper plank, or any acceptable substitute to force Phillips to walk. In the end they ended up taking Phillips hostage on a small life boat, where they were promptly surrounded by massively huge U.S. Navy ships with massively huge guns.

Eventually a team of Navy SEALs parachuted in and took up positions on the deck of the USS Bainbridge.

The SEALs are of course the U.S. Navy’s elite commando units whose name is an acronym for Sea Air and Land. Alert readers may notice that those words should actually form the acronym “SAL’s”, however the Navy opted to go with SEALs, in part because SAL’s sounds like a diner owned by a grumpy but lovable Italian gentleman, and in part because they figured no one would correct the spelling of heavily armed troops who know 17 ways to kill using only breakfast cereal.

The SEALs received clearance to use deadly force from no less an authority than President Obama himself. The President later commented that the SEAL’s amazing shots, on choppy seas, in the dark, further cemented the SEAL’s reputation as “badass motherfuckers”.

Defeating the pirates of course means that the SEALs move up in the “Things Sedentary Internet Geeks Think Are Cool” tournament, and will go on to face Ninjas in the semifinals.

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President Obama traveled to Ottawa to meet with Stephen Harper’s regime, disregarding the prevailing opinion of Americans, 72% of whom are “pretty sure the capital of Canada is Toronto.” Prime Minister Harper himself, on the other hand, had a surprisingly high approval rating among the 2.3% of Americans who had ever heard of him.

Canada is of course mired in the midst of sectarian violence and allegations of ethnic cleansing due to the ongoing slaughter in the country’s indigenous Pine and Spruce communities, largely at the hands of Canada’s large traditional majority population of flannel-wearing lumberjacks. The genocide of the ethnic tree population seems to have no end in sight, further entrenching Canada as a member of the so-called “axes of evil”.

Critics accuse Obama of kowtowing to the Canadians, asserting that Canada receives special considerations due to its extensive reserves of maple-based breakfast condiments on which America is dependent. Large-scale “No Blood for Syrup” demonstrations are scheduled to coincide with President Obama’s meeting with Prime Minister Harper this afternoon. Other detractors simply point out that Canadians are “so polite it’s creepy.”

The administration would not comment on rumors that the Secret Service had enlisted the aid of former New York Rangers goaltender Mike Richter, to help prepare for the possibility of a hockey skate being thrown at the president during his visit.

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Until The Sun broke the story yesterday, the British had refused to discuss the incident, and the French had claimed that Le Triomphant had hit a container that had fallen off a ship. In other words, they lied.  The French Navy’s motto, “Honneur, Patrie, Valeur, Discipline” (Honour, Fatherland, Valour, Discipline) is emblazoned on the deck of every ship. Apparently the specific way they choose to interpret “honor” is  to “lie like a teenager caught bringing home the family car with a new dent”.

To be fair, the French can’t be held completely responsible. The accident probably could have been avoided if not for the fact that the British insist on continuing to drive on the wrong side of the ocean. It’s real simple, England: left is the opposite of right. You know what else is the opposite of right? Wrong. You’re in the wrong and you know it. Shape up or stop shipping out.

We ought not judge too harshly though. This was, after all, an accident, and even the safest of drivers can get into the occasional fenderbender on the highway. Of course to extend the analogy, in this case the “highway” is 1,770 miles wide and covers one fifth of the Earth’s surface. And has like 10 cars on it. Each of which is equipped with several million dollars worth of sonar equipment who’s sole purpose is to detect other submarines, er, cars. You know what? Let’s just lose the whole “cars on the highway” thing.

What’s really important is that there was no serious damage, and everyone aboard was fine. Of course the 250 or so sailors would have been the least of the concerns, had the collision been more serious. Each of the submarines were carrying enough nuclear material to vaporize all of Khazakstan and three other -stan’s. Give or take a -stan.

This is why it is so important to keep countries like Iran out of the “nuclear club”. It is vital that such weapons only be in the hands of responsible countries like the UK and France, who will keep a watchful eye on them. That, and occasionally place them under the contol of submarine captains with giant balls and a proclivity for high-stakes games of “chicken”.

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Della has spent over 26 years in the state Senate, entrusted with a sacred public trust which he has chosen to use, not to address a homicide rate six times that of New York City, but to take on the looming threat of 22 year-old frat boys improving their hand-eye coordination while getting drunk.

It should be noted that this proposed legislation was not aimed at college campuses or curbing underage drinking in any way. Instead it would ban beer pong and other games from area bars, regulating the recreational activities of adults drinking legally, leading some experts to speculate that Della, while living on a taxpayer’s money, simply had nothing better to do.

What Della didn’t count on was the outcry of protest from the Maryland amateur beer pong community.

Yes, really.

MD Beer Pong pulled together a grassroots movement to oppose the bill, spreading awareness and orchestrating a massive letter writing campaign. Their near fanatical dedication to support the “sport” of beer pong reached a level of ridiculousness only rivaled by the effort to have the game criminalized in the first place.

Della has since withdrawn the bill, the avalanche of mail apparently prompting the realization that his proposed legislation was, in fact, retarded.

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