SECONDHAND NEWS » Politics

Obama Meets With Canadian Despot

Paul Yokota — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 23:24:33 +0000

In his first official state visit as President of the United States, Barack Obama made good on campaign promises to engage the nation’s enemies in dialogue “without preconditions”, meeting directly with the leadership of the rouge nation of Canada.

President Obama traveled to Ottawa to meet with Stephen Harper’s regime, disregarding the prevailing opinion of Americans, 72% of whom are “pretty sure the capital of Canada is Toronto.” Prime Minister Harper himself, on the other hand, had a surprisingly high approval rating among the 2.3% of Americans who had ever heard of him.

Canada is of course mired in the midst of sectarian violence and allegations of ethnic cleansing due to the ongoing slaughter in the country’s indigenous Pine and Spruce communities, largely at the hands of Canada’s large traditional majority population of flannel-wearing lumberjacks. The genocide of the ethnic tree population seems to have no end in sight, further entrenching Canada as a member of the so-called “axes of evil”.

Critics accuse Obama of kowtowing to the Canadians, asserting that Canada receives special considerations due to its extensive reserves of maple-based breakfast condiments on which America is dependent. Large-scale “No Blood for Syrup” demonstrations are scheduled to coincide with President Obama’s meeting with Prime Minister Harper this afternoon. Other detractors simply point out that Canadians are “so polite it’s creepy.”

The administration would not comment on rumors that the Secret Service had enlisted the aid of former New York Rangers goaltender Mike Richter, to help prepare for the possibility of a hockey skate being thrown at the president during his visit.

Obama Advisor: Luke Skywalker, Winnie the Pooh are Key to Foreign Policy

paulyokota — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 10:59:47 +0000

Richard Danzig was the Secretary of the Navy under President Clinton. He is a top foreign policy advisor to Barack Obama, and could well be tapped to serve National Security Advisor in an Obama administration. Mr. Danzig is a man who could have a strong influence on the course America charts into the 21st century. And why? Because he is a man well informed. He has done his homework and has identified the key philosophies and strategies to best guide the nation. As Mr. Danzig recently stated in his remarks before the Center for a New American Security,

“Winnie the Pooh seems to me to be a fundamental text on national security.”

Thats right, Winnie THE Pooh. The classic children’s tale of a boy’s talking teddy bear. Danzig then went on to read a passage from Winnie the Pooh to an auditorium of foreign policy experts.

Seriously.

The paragraph he read detailed Winnie the Pooh “coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump on the back of his head behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming down stairs. But sometimes he thinks there really is another way if only he could stop bumping a minute and think about it.”

One can only hope he was making a point about the need to step back and reexamine failed strategies and not literally lecturing on optimal stair navigation technique for ensuring minimal head bumpage.

Unfortunately due to time constraints Mr. Danzig was unable to read selections from “The Cat in the Hat”, sing “Old McDonald Had a Farm” and play Peek-a-boo to further illustrate his point.

Danzig went on to explain the psychology of terrorists and the lessons he learned in interviewing some of the imprisoned Aum Shinrikyo terrorists who released sarin nerve gas on the Tokyo subway in 1995. As one terrorist told him: “We have been raised on a theory of superheroes. We all want to be like Luke Skywalker.”

Luke Skywalker, was of course the protagonist of the 1970’s science fiction trilogy Star Wars who used a light sword and the ability to move things with his mind (which he learned from a tiny green muppet) to defeat a dude in a black helmet and a cape who SPOILER ALERT: turned out to be his father.

As Mr. Danzig pointed out, “The parallels with al Qaeda are obvious.”

Obvious indeed, for instance, much like Luke Skywalker, Osama Bin Laden was raised in the desert. He spent his youth helping his Uncle Owen around the moisture farm, buying droids, bullseyeing womp rats in his T-16 speeder, and dreaming of going to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters.

But wait, if Luke Skywalker is al Qaeda, who are we? The Empire?

So if I understand Mr. Danzig’s metaphors correctly, he’s saying that we as a country are, what? Darth Vader being dragged down the stairs, hitting our head on every step on the way down?

At least we have a helmet.

Need I remind you that this man stands a pretty good chance of shaping America’s foreign policy over the next few years?

May the force be with us.

Gays Marry in California, Omnipotent Deity Pissed

Paul Yokota — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 03:14:25 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO, California – Time to dust off your earthquake insurance, California. Your forecast? Partly wrathful with a chance of smite-age.

California began issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples at 5:01pm today, when a controversial decision by the state’s supreme court to overturn a ban on gay marriage took effect.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom presided over the first ceremony, marrying long time lesbian rights activists Del Martin, 87, and Phyllis Lyon, 84.

Mayor Newsom had no comment on why he had decided to incur the wrath of God.

After all, the Bible clearly states that homosexuality is an “abomination”(Leviticus 18:22, right before the part where it says that it’s okay to own slaves)

Take Lyon and Martin’s committed, loving relationship of over 50 years. Disgusting. How could that sordid sapphism possibly compare to the deep meaning and dignity that is automatically created by the union of members of the opposite sex? Britney Spears’ 55 hour marriage to Jason Allen Alexander stands out as a shining example.

Besides, it’s been shown that there is absolutely no better way to attract the vengeance of the Almighty than bumping naughty bits with someone of the same gender. Recall what happened to the town that put the “Sodom” in “Sodomy”. It’s a proven fact: hot man-on-man or woman-on-woman action is nothing but fire and brimstone waiting to happen.

Just ask Pastor John Hagee, prominent Texas televangelist, and former supporter of Republican presidential nominee John McCain*.

“Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans. New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God,” said Pastor Hagee, because “there was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came.”

All this points to a massive disaster hitting the Golden State in the not so distant future. Which kinda sucks for me personally, as I live there. If the Lord’s track record tells us anything, we could be in for anything from your standard natural disaster to the rivers turning to blood or frogs falling from the sky. Perhaps we might even warrant a personalized vengeance, maybe even the oft-predicted and oh-so-geologically possible “California falling into the ocean” scenario.

Either way, it ain’t gonna be pretty.

If we as a country put aside little details like the founding principle of the separation of church and state, there’s really only one question to ask in times like these: what would Jesus do? Some might point to his teachings of love and tolerance, but those people are misguided fools who will burn in the fires of hell for eternity. No, the proper response to the question “what would Jesus do?” is simple: not get gay married.

If you are still not convinced, even after all of the above evidence against the sinful practice of gay marriage, then consider the following.

God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

PWND!!! Done. Argument over. It’s ironclad. There’s just no arguing with that one. I mean, for christsake, it RHYMES!!!

*Although Senator McCain initially stated that he was “proud” and “very honored” to have Pastor Hagee’s endorsement in February, after extended media coverage of Hagee’s anti-gay, anti-semitic and anti-Catholic hatespeech, McCain recently “rejected and repudiated” Hagee’s statements and rejected the pastor’s endorsement. Good for him.

Supreme Court Finds Detainees Have Rights . . . Again

paulyokota — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 05:40:21 +0000

The US Supreme Court ruled today that “detainees” being held by the US military in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba have the right to challenge the legality of their detention in civilian federal court.

The justices’ ruling seemingly missed the entire point of Guantanamo Bay. Gitmo was born out of the necessities of a post 9/11 world. After all, in the War on Terror™, it was inevitable that some prisoners would have to be taken. Not that they should be considered “Prisoners of War”, because that would just grant them all kinds of “rights” and “humane treatment” under those total buzzkill treaties called the Geneva Conventions. But we wouldn’t want to let them fall into the US legal system with all its bullshit “due process” either. The solution was elegant, nay, beautiful. Step 1: create a meaningless designation like “enemy combatant” after all, “enemy combatants” can’t possibly have rights if you just made the term up. Step 2: House them on land leased by the US government on Cuban soil, and which is therefore a legal gray area. It was the perfect loophole. And the damn Supreme Court had to go and fuck it all up.

This isn’t the first time the high court has stuck their collective gavel where it didn’t belong in regards to Guantanamo. Back in 2004, they ruled that detainees had the right to appeal their unlawful detention (otherwise known as the right of habeas corpus) just because of some obscure law called The United States Constitution (article one, Section 9).

Then again in 2006 the court just HAD to get involved and ruled against the trial-ish “tribunals” (starring an all US military cast) set up by the Bush administration, effectively saying “Uh, this shit ain’t legal”.

Naturally Bush did the honorable thing and took advantage of the Republican majority in both houses of congress to push through legislation countermanding the Supreme Court’s findings, most notably the Military Commissions Act of 2006 which effectively said “Uhh, yeah it is. No takesy backsy.”

The Military Commissions Act solved the habeas corpus issue by stating that detainees, could challenge the legal basis of their imprisonment, but only before a panel of US military personnel. It also reaffirmed trying detainees by military tribunal, because dammit, it was a good idea in the first place.

One only has to look to the recent trial of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and several other suspected terrorists to see the brilliance of the system. Brilliance that was apparently lost on the defendants who elected to represent themselves. Why would they do that when a perfectly good system had been set up with the US military acting as judge, prosecution and defense? I mean it was so aboveboard, the media was even allowed to watch! Ok, so the media was technically watching in another room, hearing everything on a 20 second delay which seemed to cut out whenever the defendants made any reference to being tortured or being put on psychotropic medication. And admittedly, a sizable part of the audio may have actually been an episode of “Dora the Explorer”. But to be fair, all the reporters could count to twenty in Spanish by the end of the day.

The point is, a system was set up to handle the detainees and their “rights”: letting the US military decide everything. But did that appease the Supreme Court? Noooooooooooooooooo. They just kept clinging to their precious Constitution.

Which brings us to today’s ruling. Justice Anthony Kennedy who wrote the majority opinion on the case said, “The laws and constitution are designed to survive, and remain in force, in extraordinary times. Liberty and security can be reconciled; and in our system they are reconciled within the framework of the law.”

Boo freaking hoo. Somebody call the “Waaah”mbulance.

President Bush knows that the constitution is like an instruction manual for our nation. But the president is also a Real Man, and he knows when a Real Man is building something, be it a new entertainment center from Ikea, or a strategy for dealing with suspected terrorists, a Real Man doesn’t look at the instructions. That’s for sissies. A Real Man just follows two simple laws:

Law One:
If it doesn’t fit, force it.

Law Two:
If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Of course with the Democrats in control of congress, the ruling might actually stick this time, upholding the constitutional principle of habeas corpus as well as about half of the Bill of Rights. Ugh. Today is indeed a dark day for democracy.

Bush Regrets Seeming ‘Anxious for War’

paulyokota — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 05:47:25 +0000

LONDON, UK – In an exclusive interview with the London Times, President George W. Bush for the first time expressed regrets over his rhetoric in the lead-up to the Iraq war. In a rare moment of public self-reflection, Bush admitted that his aggressive public stance prior to the invasion may have “indicated to people that I was, you know, not a man of peace”.

No! Mr. President, that is ridiculous. Now, invading and occupying a sovereign nation that had never attacked, and did not pose a threat to the United States or her allies, THAT might have indicated to people that you weren’t a man of peace.

Bush went on to say that phrases like “bring them on” and “dead or alive” may have made him seem like a “guy really anxious for war”.

Come on Mr. B, if anything made you seem like a guy anxious for war, it was justifying the war by claiming that Saddam was not cooperating with UN weapons inspectors and then deciding to invade, ignoring repeated requests for more time by the ACTUAL U.N. WEAPONS INSPECTORS.

Dubya also noted how painful it was for him “to put youngsters in harm’s way”.

It’s obvious why you would feel the need to point that out there, Georgie-boy, seeing as how it’s so easy to get the impression that you couldn’t give a rat’s ass. It’s the little things. Remember the time you used the threat of “Weapons of Mass Destruction” and, yes even “a mushroom cloud over an American city” as the centerpiece of the steaming pile of half-truths, fabrications and general bullshit used to sell the war? And do you remember how a year or so after the invasion and after losing hundreds of troops it was exposed that there had NEVER BEEN ANY WMDs IN THE FIRST PLACE?? Remember how funny you found that? I mean, you must have found it funny, because at Radio and Television Correspondents Dinner you showed slides of you looking under furniture in the White House joking “Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere … Nope, no weapons over there … maybe under here?” LAUGHING at the outright false pretenses under which you took us into a war that to date has killed over FOUR THOUSAND U.S. and coalition troops.

It’s the little things like that that make it easy to think that “putting youngsters in harm’s way” doesn’t weigh to heavily on the evil black void where your soul ought to be.

And after all that, all you regret is your choice of words?

“I think that in retrospect I could have used a different tone, a different rhetoric,” you said.

It’s not your tone, Mr. President, it’s your lies, your arrogance; it’s your policies that have needlessly wasted massive amounts blood and treasure and most of all the way you seem to just not give a shit. That, Mr. President, THAT is what indicates to us that you are “you know, not a man of peace.”

Clinton Concedes Losses to Obama, Reality

paulyokota — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 05:54:26 +0000

So obviously the big story over the weekend was Saturday’s conclusion of the 17 month saga that was the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination process.

What’s that you say? You thought the Democratic Nominee was decided last Tuesday, when the final two primaries gave Barack Obama enough delegates to surpass the threshold of 2,118 required for the nomination? When he stood before a crowd of 17,000 at the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, MN and declared:

“Tonight, I can stand before you and say that I will be the Democratic nominee for president of the United States.”?

You thought that was the end? That the Democratic Party could finally heal their wounds, come together and unite behind their candidate?

That’s real cute, but no.

You see, that same night, Senator Hillary Clinton was also speaking. Would she deliver a graceful concession speech?

“This has been a long campaign,” said Senator Clinton, “and I will be making no decisions tonight.” That’s right, she would be making no decisions about the fact that her opponent had won the nomination. She would also be making no decisions about the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the removal of the McRib sandwich from McDonald’s menu or any other of a host of things which are facts, in the past, and completely beyond her control.

In an unrelated story the New England Patriots issued a press release stating that they still do not concede losing Superbowl XLII to the New York Giants February 3rd, saying “it’s too soon to make any decisions.”

After all, is losing any reason to accept defeat?

Apparently it is, as on Saturday Senator Clinton finally DID concede, throwing her support behind Obama and pushing for party unity saying, “The Democratic Party is a family”.

It is like a family, and the primary race has been just like a great big sibling rivalry. Remember the sisterly way she used to needle Obama? Like the time she said:

“I have a lifetime of experience I will bring to the White House. I know Senator McCain has a lifetime of experience he will bring to the White House. And Senator Obama has a speech he made in 2002.”

Now that may sound to the untrained ear like an endorsement of the opposition over her Democratic “family”, but hey, that’s just the way brothers and sisters tease each other, right? It reminds me of the time I threw my brother in front of a moving school bus. Ah, family.

Ok, ok, so maybe Senator Clinton hasn’t always treated Senator Obama like family, between suggesting that he is unprepared to be commander in chief, implying that he might be a secret Muslim, and insinuating that she was staying in the race because he might be assassinated. Maybe the family analogy doesn’t really stand up to rational analysis, especially coming from her, but where is it written that she always has to be in touch with this ephemeral concept we call “reality”?

As former President Bill Clinton said of reporters who criticized his wife’s account of arriving in Bosnia under sniper fire in 1995 (which never actually happened and as far as anyone can tell she just completely made up), “When they’re 60, they’ll forget something when they’re tired at 11 o’clock at night, too.”

In other words, ignore all the ridiculous, false, and otherwise untethered things Senator Clinton has said. It’s ok, she’s just sleepy. And old.

Supreme Court Justice Announces Monkey Video Game

paulyokota — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 06:16:37 +0000

It was inevitable, really. Sandra Day O’Connor’s life story and accomplishments, including graduating at the top of her class at Stanford Law, being elected to the Arizona State Senate and, oh yeah, becoming the first female Supreme Court Justice, impressive as they may be, have clearly been leading to this point. At long last she has reached what many believe to be the pinnacle of her long and storied career, the logical conclusion of her life’s work.

That’s right, Sandra Day O’Connor has finally become a video game developer.

The 78 year old has announced that she is involved in the development of the project “Our Courts”, an online video game designed to teach young people about the judicial system.

At an age when most would be concerning themselves with budgeting their pensions to afford name-brand denture cream and adult diapers, O’Connor is more worried by ignorance about our system of justice among today’s youth. Naturally there could be only one solution to such an issue. That solution? A video game featuring a 3-D animated monkey.

“It will allow students to engage in real legal issues,” said O’Connor, as if anyone could doubt the seriousness of this project. After all, the monkey is right there on the home page.

One can only assume the limb the monkey is swinging from is the Judicial Branch.

Mayor Faces Recall over Myspace Pics

paulyokota — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 06:48:17 +0000

Carmen Kontur-Gronquist, mayor of the ridiculously small town of Arlington, Oregon is facing a recall vote, mostly because she is a great big whore.

Kontur-Gronquist has sullied her town’s damn near non-existent reputation. Was she involved in an illicit affair with a city official? Sexual harassment? Prostitution? Incest*?

Nope.

Her ho-baggery took a far more sinister form. Check it: several years ago, before she was mayor, Kontur-Gronquist posed for pictures to submit to a women’s fitness contest wearing only a bra and panties. These photographs were later posted on a MySpace account created by someone else. I really don’t think it gets more despicable than that.

Local busybody Lorena Woods took time out from her massive, massive amounts of free time to call out the mayor for this completely unacceptable behavior.

“It’s a picture of her in bra and panties on a rural protection fire truck in a rural protection fire hall,” Woods said. “This isn’t the way we want our city to be portrayed.”

Amen, Lorena, amen. These photographs clearly send the wrong message, that message being something along the lines of “Women who stand on or near fire trucks and may or may not at some point in the future become mayor of Bumf*ck, Nowhere not only own underwear, but actually wear it.”

Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children??

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the network news, it’s that the internet is probably the single most dangerous threat to children since the invention of children, with the possible exceptions of Michael Jackson and catholic priests. This is just another example of the insidious nature of this “inter-net” where this kind of filth can pop up where you least expect it, on a site like MySpace.com, where innocent children would otherwise have no chance of being exposed to such gratuitous T&A.

I mean, a woman wearing garments that cover exactly the same as a bathing suit?? A recall is too good for her. If it were up to me, she’d be stoned in the village square, and I don’t mean “stoned” in the much more pleasant, traditional Oregon sense of the word.

But a recall vote it shall be, as a petition has garnered the 41 signatures required to recall her. That’s right, 41. Because Arlington has a population roughly comparable to a New York City crosswalk on a Thursday afternoon. Meanwhile, the other 450 or so residents of Arlington have been eerily quiet on the subject, possibly because they are all at home, logged into Myspace.com.

*No, no, no, you’re thinking of Arlington, Virginia

Read less in this article by the Associated Press