DETROIT – General Motors Co. announced today that it has lost $1.2 billion since the U.S. Government bailed it out. The losses were less than expected, prompting the corporation to throw a celebratory “Screw it, we’re not paying for it, get the expensive cookies. Ooh, and a magician!” party.

Over the past year, GM has been bleeding money like some kind of hemophiliac giant that has money flowing through its veins instead of blood and is always going around bleeding a crap-ton of money.

A figure like 1.2 billion dollars might be too large for most people to fully grasp. To put it in perspective, that is enough money to buy eighty thousand of the company’s Chevy Aveos.

Not that anyone would make such a poor investment. Anyone buying even buying one Aveo would have to be out of his mind. It’s a piece of crap. A huge crap-piece. However, despite the Aveo being named one of the worst new cars by Consumer Reports, GM recently rolled out the 2010 Aveo, with the slogan “Just as bad, but this time it’s funded by taxpayer money!”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says that the decision to bail out General Motors was not reached easliy.

“We shopped around,” he says, “you really have to be firm with these car guys. If they won’t give you what you want, you can’t be afraid to walk away.” According to Secretary Geithner the government needed to ensure it was investing in a company “that had all the qualities we were looking for: poor quality vehicles, out of touch executives, and a strategy that would lose us billions of dollars.” General Motors fit the bill and got a king’s ransom in wasted bailout money. Other bail-out hopefuls weren’t quite as lucky. “Chrysler came to the table offering to only lose us like 750 mil. We said screw it, let the Italians deal with them.”

The important thing is that massive amounts of taxpayer money has been spent to ensure GM can continue to make crappy cars that no one wants to buy for decades to come.

The low standards of the Big Three auto makers is key to the U.S. economy. If American car manufacturers stopped making inferior cars and trucks, people would be forced to buy more reliable Japanese and German automobiles. Hundreds of thousands of mechanics across the country could be put out of work, adding to the already high unemployment rate.

Putting Americans behind the wheel of non-crappy cars wouldn’t only impact mechanics and their families, it would also hurt everyone who works in related industries, like parts manufacturers, shops that sew name tags onto coveralls and girlie calendar publishers.

Ralph Timov, a mechanic in the non-made up town of Sandwich, Massachusetts, says he worries what he would do if shitty American cars stopped rolling off the assembly line. “If they stop making Ford Tauruses and Chevy Malibus with transmissions that go out every 3,000 miles, I’m out of a job. I’d have to become a drug dealer, or a male prostitute or worse, a telemarketer.”

Experts estimate that if these mechanic shops were put out of business the resulting strain on the economy would drag the the country into financial vortex so powerful that all the monetary progress of the past few centuries would be lost, and Americans would be forced into farming hunting and gathering for sustenance. The sudden shift from an all-processed food diet to natural foods might be too much of a shock to the system for many, leaving thousands dead from malnutrition, heart failure, and spontaneous human combustion.

It would also probably become commonplace for suburban parents to trade their daughters for herds of sheep.

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