US Airways Flight 1549  crash landed into the Hudson River in New York City yesterday, a harrowing ordeal for all aboard, but a major victory for gravity as a fundamental force of the universe.

The plane went down only three minutes after takeoff,  losing power in both engines following the pilot’s report of a “double bird strike”. In layman’s terms he flew the plane into a flock of fucking birds.

Despite what the cynics might say, America is still a place where you can kill a group of small animals, destroy a sixty million-dollar piece of equipment, and be declared a hero.

In fairness, all 155 people aboard did survive the crash which, in a way, makes the pilot pretty heroic. Almost as heroic as all the pilots who managed to not crash into rivers yesterday.

For his part, the pilot, Chesley B. Sullenberger III, was just glad to be known for something other than having the most ridiculous name in the western hemisphere. However, some had a much grander view of the day’s events.

“We’ve had a miracle on 34th Street,” said New York Governor David A. Paterson, “I believe now we’ve had a miracle on the Hudson.” Governor Paterson was clearly making use of the less common definition of the world “miracle” which is “to have a 70 ton aircraft slam into something at 80 mph”. This, of course is the kind of unorthodox interpretation one might expect from a governor who compares a potentially life-threatening event in his state to a 1947 movie about putting Santa Claus on trial.

Santa did not respond to a Secondhand News request for a comment on this story.

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