Three pirates were killed by three shots from Navy SEAL snipers Sunday night, ending the United States’ first confrontation with armed pirates since the USS Constitution’s defeated Captain James Hook in 1815, leading to Hook’s banishment to Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara, California.

The shooting of the pirates ended a tense, days long standoff and freed their hostage, Captain Richard Phillips of the Maersk Alabama. Pirates had boarded the Alabama a few days earlier, and had tried to commandeer the vessel before being embarrassingly defeated by the cargo ship’s crew, making the would-be dread pirates look like a scurvy bunch of lily-livered land lubbers.
The attack was something of a surprise, as modern pirates rarely resort to maritime violence, but the economic downturn has dried up many of the cushy jobs they usually get, posing for spiced rum advertisements or pretending to be animatronic robots at Disneyland.

With only Captain Phillips as their captive, the pirates were temporarily at a loss when they found the Alabama lacked a proper plank, or any acceptable substitute to force Phillips to walk. In the end they ended up taking Phillips hostage on a small life boat, where they were promptly surrounded by massively huge U.S. Navy ships with massively huge guns.

Eventually a team of Navy SEALs parachuted in and took up positions on the deck of the USS Bainbridge.

The SEALs are of course the U.S. Navy’s elite commando units whose name is an acronym for Sea Air and Land. Alert readers may notice that those words should actually form the acronym “SAL’s”, however the Navy opted to go with SEALs, in part because SAL’s sounds like a diner owned by a grumpy but lovable Italian gentleman, and in part because they figured no one would correct the spelling of heavily armed troops who know 17 ways to kill using only breakfast cereal.

The SEALs received clearance to use deadly force from no less an authority than President Obama himself. The President later commented that the SEAL’s amazing shots, on choppy seas, in the dark, further cemented the SEAL’s reputation as “badass motherfuckers”.

Defeating the pirates of course means that the SEALs move up in the “Things Sedentary Internet Geeks Think Are Cool” tournament, and will go on to face Ninjas in the semifinals.

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